I despise Christmas. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.
So, every year, I try to hold on and just grit my teeth to get through the holidays. I smile and act like I'm enjoying myself as much as everyone else, but inside, I'm just holding on for January. I don't want to be the lone "freak" in this nation that honestly doesn't enjoy the celebration of Jesus' birth (as if anything we do today for Christmas recognizes Christ). The Christmas decorations come down in our house the day after Christmas because I can't stand it one second longer.
After everything I've been through in the last couple of years, one thing I am learning to do is express myself to those around me. Not the fake, "what you expect to hear" side of me, but the real, quiet thoughts I usually hold inside to myself.
So, I mentioned to my mom, "You know, I don't actually enjoy Christmas. I don't know why." - I said it in a tiny voice with a little sigh to show that I wasn't actually going to burn in hell forever for not spreading holiday cheer. For some reason, being honest in print is MUCH easier than face to face. In print, I can express those quiet thoughts without actually hearing them. Honesty is a process; I have to take baby steps. :)
My mom, in her wisdom, said, "I know why. It's expensive. You have to buy things you can't really afford for people you don't really like or even see that often. Plus, we are running around trying to do more than we have time for. It's a very stressful time."
BAM! That's it!!!! I hate all the hustle, bustle, and fake goodwill toward man. It's as if for 11 months out of the year it's each man for himself, then suddenly, for one short month, we try to make up for it by throwing change at charities while congratulating ourselves for really caring about our common man. It doesn't matter that we don't think of them again for another 11 months. That pocketful of change expresses our deeply held belief in the common good. Bah- HUMBUG!
I don't like buying things for other people, with money I haven't actually budgeted (Dave Ramsey is so ashamed). I don't like being forced to gather with people I don't usually see and say how good it is to see them (then present them with a gift from the list I was given). BAH -HUMBUG!
Not to say that I am completely innocent. I like getting presents; sort of. I buy into looking for things I WANT for Christmas (so that I can present my list to others). Naturally, after LOOKING for stuff, I find stuff that I just NEED to survive. Unfortunately, I have to then wait a month or so to get these things, and I don't usually get all of them, or even the ones I want the most; so inevitably, I'm a little disappointed (because I am now a spoiled brat myself). Then, naturally, I beat myself for a few weeks over my ingratititude for all that everyone else has done for me.
I also go WAY overboard for my child. How overboard you ask? Well, for the last TWO Christmases in a row, when I lock myself in the closet to wrap in secret (don't even get me started on Santa and all the magical things I'm supposed to be doing to build this up for my child. I'm a miserable failure at the whole process), I found that I was embarrassed by the sheer VOLUME of stuff that I purchased for her. So, I selected a few items that I thought were "essential" and wrap those, and pushed the rest into a large box in the back of my closet. That box provided toys for Valentine's Day, Easter, and her birthday, with special "just because" gifts in between FOR THE WHOLE YEAR! Such is my mania.
The whole process is just painful. PAINFUL.
So, this year I vow to make it different. This year, I'm actually focusing on THE REASON for THE SEASON. This year, all my gifts will be hand-made (except a few for my child, because she is young, and I don't want to scar her for life). I am making a few gifts for her as well. I try to do that every year, but this year, I'm going out of my comfort zone to build stuff. With wood. I'm super excited.
This year, my daughter and I are focusing on actually DOING something for others, not just this month, but all year long. I've got a list. We are rocking through it. No more just being good for a month. We are taking this goodwill stuff through the year. We are going to try anyway.
Jesus asked us to be His hands and feet, not just for His birthday, but all the time. We are going to try it for REALS.
This month, we are going to do "little" happies for lots of different places. That will help us narrow our focus for the year.
First up: New Leash on Life. That's our local animal shelter. We stopped by there last week to drop off our recycling (they earn money for all my old newspapers), and we dropped in to ask what they need. The staff said they always need bleach, detergent, and wet food for the pets. They actually provide pet food for people that can't afford to buy it for their pets. How awesome is that? We got this. Makenzie is making detergent today. We will buy bleach and canned food tomorrow and drop it all off with a plate of cookies for the staff.
I'm excited! For the first time, I feel like I might just enjoy a holiday season!
PRAISE HIM from whom all blessings flow!!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Friday, August 10, 2012
God equips those He calls to parent
It's been one of those days. If you are a parent, you know what I am talking about. Arguments, tears, misunderstandings, frustrations, and even some yelling. I questioned God as to what He was thinking when He gave me this precious beauty I call MY daughter.
Really, she's not MINE. She is His. He loaned her to me for a little while. Today I questioned His wisdom in this decision. As if the God of the Universe is going to say, "Oh, yea, I forgot about her. She is a little more than you can handle. Sorry about that. My bad."
He trusted her to ME. That means, that I am equipped to raise her. He is daily equipping me for so much more than I thought I could endure.
After our last round of arguments, she says sweetly, "I'm really sorry for yelling so much Momma. I love you. I think maybe you work too hard. I think maybe I should do some of your work."
I sarcastically (and wearily) respond, "Oh yeah? I like what? What work of mine do you think you can do?"
She innocently answers, "I'm big enough to mop Momma. I think I could mop the floors for you."
Inside I die just a little. Tears spring quickly. I wrap her in my arms. This moment, this sweet, undeserved moment is pure joy to me. All day I have been praying that God would give me the wisdom to do what is right by this precious gift. He just answered me.
Really, she's not MINE. She is His. He loaned her to me for a little while. Today I questioned His wisdom in this decision. As if the God of the Universe is going to say, "Oh, yea, I forgot about her. She is a little more than you can handle. Sorry about that. My bad."
He trusted her to ME. That means, that I am equipped to raise her. He is daily equipping me for so much more than I thought I could endure.
After our last round of arguments, she says sweetly, "I'm really sorry for yelling so much Momma. I love you. I think maybe you work too hard. I think maybe I should do some of your work."
I sarcastically (and wearily) respond, "Oh yeah? I like what? What work of mine do you think you can do?"
She innocently answers, "I'm big enough to mop Momma. I think I could mop the floors for you."
Inside I die just a little. Tears spring quickly. I wrap her in my arms. This moment, this sweet, undeserved moment is pure joy to me. All day I have been praying that God would give me the wisdom to do what is right by this precious gift. He just answered me.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Belief
Why are we so prone to follow the latest and greatest trends, instead of following the Greatest One? We are so swayed by the words of others attempting to interpret scripture, that we don't actually delve into scripture to see for ourselves. It's sad really. We are filling the void meant to be filled with Jesus with the words of others, that will never really fill us.
We are so willing to "do" the latest trend - "Let's sell all our stuff and move to Africa!" or "Let's give all we have to the poor and live in the ghetto to do ministry!" or "Let's hold picket signs and scream in protest against "sinners". Some of these things are good, but nothing is good if done for the wrong reasons. What if you sell all your stuff and move to Africa, but Jesus really just wants your heart to love Him? What if He is calling you to move your neighborhood toward Him? What if He is asking you to follow Him in your family? What if all He really wants is for you to love your husband as He loved you?
I haven't read anywhere in the Bible where Jesus held picket signs. In fact, He said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34. Holding picket signs and screaming that people will burn in hell for their transgressions is not showing love. Jesus never did that. If you read the accounts of Jesus, He used LOVE to sway people. He LOVED them out of their transgressions. He dined with sinners and the "least of these".
One of my favorite stories about Jesus is found in John 8:3-11.
3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
Do you get it? Do you see? Jesus WAS without sin! He should have thrown the first stone! He would have been completely justified in throwing stones at her. HE DIDN'T! He LOVED HER! He showed her His love by not condeming her, but telling her to sin no more! Give me a minute to take off my shoes and WORSHIP Him! Seriously!
Jesus never once used His divine authority to condemn "sinners". You know who He did condemn? Pharisees. You know who the "Pharisees" are? You and I are Pharisees. We live as though we are righteous, but we are not. The only righteousness we have is through Christ, and we avoid Him like the plague.
We want to serve Him, but only in the way that feels comfortable for us. Some of us would rather give our "stuff" to Him instead of our hearts. We would gladly sell all our possessions and give to the poor, but we would never really give Him our hearts. He might ask too much. He might require us to let go of grudges, or love people we find unloveable, or **gasp** represent Him to our own families. Some of us would gladly give Him our hearts, but not our beloved "stuff". We would tell the world all about His great love for us. We would tell anyone who would listen all about what He had done for us, as long as we came back to our comfortable home everynight. As long as we have a Starbucks near by. As long as we have air conditioning, clean running water, and cable.
Where do I fall? I'm a lover of myself. I would gladly give Him all my "stuff". He can have my big house, nice car, clothes, electronics, but my heart? No thanks. I'm a very private person Lord! I don't want to put myself out there for just anyone to see. I'm very grateful to You for saving me, and rescuing me, and keeping me through all of life's trials, but I don't want to share my experiences. My experiences are mine. I give you glory for them in private, but not publicly. The public is hard. The public is judgemental. The public is scary, and mean, and PUBLIC! My stuff you can have, my heart, well, not so much.
We are so willing to "do" the latest trend - "Let's sell all our stuff and move to Africa!" or "Let's give all we have to the poor and live in the ghetto to do ministry!" or "Let's hold picket signs and scream in protest against "sinners". Some of these things are good, but nothing is good if done for the wrong reasons. What if you sell all your stuff and move to Africa, but Jesus really just wants your heart to love Him? What if He is calling you to move your neighborhood toward Him? What if He is asking you to follow Him in your family? What if all He really wants is for you to love your husband as He loved you?
I haven't read anywhere in the Bible where Jesus held picket signs. In fact, He said, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34. Holding picket signs and screaming that people will burn in hell for their transgressions is not showing love. Jesus never did that. If you read the accounts of Jesus, He used LOVE to sway people. He LOVED them out of their transgressions. He dined with sinners and the "least of these".
One of my favorite stories about Jesus is found in John 8:3-11.
3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
11 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”
Do you get it? Do you see? Jesus WAS without sin! He should have thrown the first stone! He would have been completely justified in throwing stones at her. HE DIDN'T! He LOVED HER! He showed her His love by not condeming her, but telling her to sin no more! Give me a minute to take off my shoes and WORSHIP Him! Seriously!
Jesus never once used His divine authority to condemn "sinners". You know who He did condemn? Pharisees. You know who the "Pharisees" are? You and I are Pharisees. We live as though we are righteous, but we are not. The only righteousness we have is through Christ, and we avoid Him like the plague.
We want to serve Him, but only in the way that feels comfortable for us. Some of us would rather give our "stuff" to Him instead of our hearts. We would gladly sell all our possessions and give to the poor, but we would never really give Him our hearts. He might ask too much. He might require us to let go of grudges, or love people we find unloveable, or **gasp** represent Him to our own families. Some of us would gladly give Him our hearts, but not our beloved "stuff". We would tell the world all about His great love for us. We would tell anyone who would listen all about what He had done for us, as long as we came back to our comfortable home everynight. As long as we have a Starbucks near by. As long as we have air conditioning, clean running water, and cable.
Where do I fall? I'm a lover of myself. I would gladly give Him all my "stuff". He can have my big house, nice car, clothes, electronics, but my heart? No thanks. I'm a very private person Lord! I don't want to put myself out there for just anyone to see. I'm very grateful to You for saving me, and rescuing me, and keeping me through all of life's trials, but I don't want to share my experiences. My experiences are mine. I give you glory for them in private, but not publicly. The public is hard. The public is judgemental. The public is scary, and mean, and PUBLIC! My stuff you can have, my heart, well, not so much.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Grace
"I buried both of my sons and my husband. Now I live alone with memories of my children," she said. "I would never wish even Mladic to go through what I go through. Not Mladic or Karadzic. Let God judge them."
This was uttered by a Muslim woman at the trial of Mladic after watching footage of the carnage he created in her hometown.
This was uttered by a Muslim woman at the trial of Mladic after watching footage of the carnage he created in her hometown.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Question of Sin
I've recently started reading a lot of blogs. Well, a lot of blogs for me is three since I have never before followed a blog. Wait, four blogs. I forgot the one on crochet.
Anyway, so one of the blogs I follow is Momastery. I LOVE this blog. Glennon seems like a REAL person, even if she does wear "cool jeans". Well, one of her most recent blogs is about homesexuality. She has decided that homosexuality is not a sin. She thinks the Bible calls it such because it was written a long time ago and it is a dated document. She thinks that homosexuality is OK because we all do things that are in the Bible as wrong all the time and don't think anythhing of it (such as wear jewelry and not covering our heads).
Now, normally I agree with Glennon. But on this one I don't. I think homosexuality is a sin. The Bible clearly says it is. BUT, I don't think it's any worse than the sins I commit everyday. I'm just glad my sins aren't paraded for all and picketted by others because I have some doosies. The Bible says that if you think it in your heart, so it is. Well, guess what? That makes me a murderer. Not just any murderer, think serial stuff here. I have HATED many people in my life. Not the "Oh I
hate her for wearing those awesome jeans", I mean the "I can't stand to look at her stupid face or I'll smash it" kinda hate. Really. I have even prayed, PRAYED for people to get hit by a bus. Really. I'm not proud of it, but it has happened. Thank Jesus He loves me enough to forgive me.
I'm also a liar. Last week I was supposed to get together with a friend. I didn't want to go. It was raining and I wasn't at home yet. I just didn't feel like getting out. I told her my child was puking. Double wammy. I lied AND wished bad mojo on my baby.
I'm also a cheater. Mostly at board games, but it still counts. I am a slanderer too. I often think terribly snotty thoughts in my head about others. Sometimes I even share them with my beloved. That makes them double mean because he usually agreess.
All this to say that I believe the Bible when it calls something a sin. BUT, I also believe and praise Jesus for something called GRACE. Grace is what keeps me afloat. Grace is my lifeline. Grace is the BEST gift I've ever been given. Grace is something to be treasured, adored, and shared freely and wildly!
Grace means that even homosexuals belong in HIS church. It makes me want to grab people by the hand and shout "Me too! Honey, me too!! I am so unworthy! Let's slog through this mire called life together!"
It's not my job to correct people for their sins. It's certainly not my job to judge them. It's not my job to tell them what I think is true. MY job is to love them like Jesus did. Jesus never picketed anyone. Jesus never shouted "God HATES you." at anyone. Jesus never refused entry into His presence to anyone. Why do we think we should do all these things?
Exactly. We shouldn't. How warped that we feel the need to do things in HIS name that He didn't do.
Anyway, so one of the blogs I follow is Momastery. I LOVE this blog. Glennon seems like a REAL person, even if she does wear "cool jeans". Well, one of her most recent blogs is about homesexuality. She has decided that homosexuality is not a sin. She thinks the Bible calls it such because it was written a long time ago and it is a dated document. She thinks that homosexuality is OK because we all do things that are in the Bible as wrong all the time and don't think anythhing of it (such as wear jewelry and not covering our heads).
Now, normally I agree with Glennon. But on this one I don't. I think homosexuality is a sin. The Bible clearly says it is. BUT, I don't think it's any worse than the sins I commit everyday. I'm just glad my sins aren't paraded for all and picketted by others because I have some doosies. The Bible says that if you think it in your heart, so it is. Well, guess what? That makes me a murderer. Not just any murderer, think serial stuff here. I have HATED many people in my life. Not the "Oh I
hate her for wearing those awesome jeans", I mean the "I can't stand to look at her stupid face or I'll smash it" kinda hate. Really. I have even prayed, PRAYED for people to get hit by a bus. Really. I'm not proud of it, but it has happened. Thank Jesus He loves me enough to forgive me.
I'm also a liar. Last week I was supposed to get together with a friend. I didn't want to go. It was raining and I wasn't at home yet. I just didn't feel like getting out. I told her my child was puking. Double wammy. I lied AND wished bad mojo on my baby.
I'm also a cheater. Mostly at board games, but it still counts. I am a slanderer too. I often think terribly snotty thoughts in my head about others. Sometimes I even share them with my beloved. That makes them double mean because he usually agreess.
All this to say that I believe the Bible when it calls something a sin. BUT, I also believe and praise Jesus for something called GRACE. Grace is what keeps me afloat. Grace is my lifeline. Grace is the BEST gift I've ever been given. Grace is something to be treasured, adored, and shared freely and wildly!
Grace means that even homosexuals belong in HIS church. It makes me want to grab people by the hand and shout "Me too! Honey, me too!! I am so unworthy! Let's slog through this mire called life together!"
It's not my job to correct people for their sins. It's certainly not my job to judge them. It's not my job to tell them what I think is true. MY job is to love them like Jesus did. Jesus never picketed anyone. Jesus never shouted "God HATES you." at anyone. Jesus never refused entry into His presence to anyone. Why do we think we should do all these things?
Exactly. We shouldn't. How warped that we feel the need to do things in HIS name that He didn't do.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Ordinary Tragedy
The real problem I have with all this FB praise/prayer request garbage is this: it short-circuits our attention spans to REAL tragedies. Real tragedies don't go away with some Motrin and a Jesus band-aid. Real tragedies live on for a LONG time, the effects sometimes take YEARS to overcome. This doesn't play well with the "pray for me because I have a head-ache crowd." I'm not trying to criticize their faith, we are told to "pray without ceasing". However, I have personally experienced the short-attention span syndrome - from both sides.
Before my husband left, I avoided people I dubbed "Debbie Downers". We all know those folks that never seem to catch a break. Their children are perpetually sick, nothing serious, just always something. They can't pay their bills, and are always broke, borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. They can't seem to get a job/keep a job. The single mom that just can't ever get her house/car/life repaired. There always seems to be some drama brewing in the pot. Sometimes I would seek these people out just to make myself feel better about my situation. But mostly, I avoided them, because they ruined my picture that people that really follow Jesus don't struggle that much. So, if cornered by one of them, I would try to sneak away as quickly as possible with a murmered promise to "pray for them" and I would, sort of. I might throw in a "Lord, bless so and so because nothing ever seems to go right for them." - a half-hearted snarky prayer at best.
Then my husband left. I was faced with uncertaintly about everything. My life was black. I mean, so black that I literally counted the hours between waking and sleeping because sleep was the only respite I got thanks to some great pills. Black because there was nothing about my future that I could count on. Nothing. Black because he came back, only to leave again leaving my daughter and myself fully unsure of everything we ever knew. Black because how do you explain complicated adult screw-ups to precious children that don't deserve it? This went on for a year. A whole year of absolute uncertainty about tomorrow.
I learned a lot from this experience. While I never want to go back, I wouldn't trade it for anything either. First of all, I learned that no matter what, you can count on Jesus being there. He is the one that sustained me through all of the drama. I would not have made it without Him. Second, I gained an appreciation for all those "Debbie Downers" out there. Because some trauma's are REAL. They don't go away with a quick prayer and an Advil. Real traumas last for a lifetime. The people affected can't just put on their Jesus Band-Aid and get on with it, because they are constantly dealing with it.
Through my experience, very few people checked on me regularly. I became a "Debbie Downer". Not that I bemoaned my situation constantly, I didn't. If you asked me in passing how I was, I would always reply "Oh, I'm fine" even if I was very aware that I had ten hours between me and bedtime. But if you asked me, really asked me, how things were going, I would tell the truth. Most often it was, "I don't know, he said blah, blah, blah. I'm just relying on Jesus." Not perpetual downer stuff, just not chipper good news. The "pray for me I have a headache" crowd got tired of it - quick. I got the same brush off I had so often given myself - a lot. I was avoided -honestly I saw people at church change direction or look at me like a deer in the headlights if trapped. I'm so thankful my Jesus didn't act that way. I poured out my heart to Him, night after night, and He always listened and encouraged me.
I felt like something was wrong with me. I believed in Jesus, I was doing my best to follow Him, why wasn't this thing going away quickly? It's because life is hard. Really hard. Following Jesus doesn't mean your life will be perfect. It means you will face hardships, but you keep going. Our job as believers in Christ is not to avoid the unloveable/entrenched in drama crowd. Our job is to love them through it. No matter how long it takes.
The truth is, real tragedy lasts a lifetime. It doesn't go away quickly and easily. It doesn't work like that.
Before my husband left, I avoided people I dubbed "Debbie Downers". We all know those folks that never seem to catch a break. Their children are perpetually sick, nothing serious, just always something. They can't pay their bills, and are always broke, borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. They can't seem to get a job/keep a job. The single mom that just can't ever get her house/car/life repaired. There always seems to be some drama brewing in the pot. Sometimes I would seek these people out just to make myself feel better about my situation. But mostly, I avoided them, because they ruined my picture that people that really follow Jesus don't struggle that much. So, if cornered by one of them, I would try to sneak away as quickly as possible with a murmered promise to "pray for them" and I would, sort of. I might throw in a "Lord, bless so and so because nothing ever seems to go right for them." - a half-hearted snarky prayer at best.
Then my husband left. I was faced with uncertaintly about everything. My life was black. I mean, so black that I literally counted the hours between waking and sleeping because sleep was the only respite I got thanks to some great pills. Black because there was nothing about my future that I could count on. Nothing. Black because he came back, only to leave again leaving my daughter and myself fully unsure of everything we ever knew. Black because how do you explain complicated adult screw-ups to precious children that don't deserve it? This went on for a year. A whole year of absolute uncertainty about tomorrow.
I learned a lot from this experience. While I never want to go back, I wouldn't trade it for anything either. First of all, I learned that no matter what, you can count on Jesus being there. He is the one that sustained me through all of the drama. I would not have made it without Him. Second, I gained an appreciation for all those "Debbie Downers" out there. Because some trauma's are REAL. They don't go away with a quick prayer and an Advil. Real traumas last for a lifetime. The people affected can't just put on their Jesus Band-Aid and get on with it, because they are constantly dealing with it.
Through my experience, very few people checked on me regularly. I became a "Debbie Downer". Not that I bemoaned my situation constantly, I didn't. If you asked me in passing how I was, I would always reply "Oh, I'm fine" even if I was very aware that I had ten hours between me and bedtime. But if you asked me, really asked me, how things were going, I would tell the truth. Most often it was, "I don't know, he said blah, blah, blah. I'm just relying on Jesus." Not perpetual downer stuff, just not chipper good news. The "pray for me I have a headache" crowd got tired of it - quick. I got the same brush off I had so often given myself - a lot. I was avoided -honestly I saw people at church change direction or look at me like a deer in the headlights if trapped. I'm so thankful my Jesus didn't act that way. I poured out my heart to Him, night after night, and He always listened and encouraged me.
I felt like something was wrong with me. I believed in Jesus, I was doing my best to follow Him, why wasn't this thing going away quickly? It's because life is hard. Really hard. Following Jesus doesn't mean your life will be perfect. It means you will face hardships, but you keep going. Our job as believers in Christ is not to avoid the unloveable/entrenched in drama crowd. Our job is to love them through it. No matter how long it takes.
The truth is, real tragedy lasts a lifetime. It doesn't go away quickly and easily. It doesn't work like that.
This is my first post. Not very exciting stuff to report, just getting started and all. The purpose of this post if to force me to write today. I think I have a story to tell (as do all that attempt to communicate in this format), but I'm still a little shy about sharing my thoughts here (for all 2 of you that may or may not stumble upon this place). I hope that this place will be a diary of sorts for my thoughts, dreams and experiences called my life.
So here is what is on my mind today:
Empty words. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I thoroughly enjoy updates from dear friends, purusing pictures of friends, and reading interesting articles/thoughts from friends that I admire. However, I hate the mindless drivel that pours forth from some aquaintances of mine.
One person in particular got under my skin today. She is effussive with her praise of others. She is continually telling people how much she loves them/prays for them/enjoys their company. etc. She apparently is friends with most of the world, and hangs out with them all often. BLAH!
Except me of course. I am somehow devoid of praise/love/company worth enjoying. Honestly, it hurts my feelings. What kind of person ignores my obviously delightful spirit and doesn't appreciate my wit? Why am I so obviously unloveable by someone who apparently adores everyone within her sphere - except me? I used to really let this stuff give me a complex. I would sit and stew and think of ways to show this person how AWESOME I am and how worthy of her attention. Except, I never follow through. Because, honestly, it would take too much effort. But that doesn't stop it from hurting my feelings, because I am neurotic like that.
My enlightenment came through my husband (as it often does). He caught me in a "Woe is me" state of mind after reading her multiple FB posts of praise. He asked what was wrong with me and I explained that I am obviously faulty in some respect because I do not have the love and admiration of this ONE person. He looked at me thoughtfully for a second and said, "But honey, you don't LIKE her. You don't hang out with her because she annoys you. It would be different if you really admired her, but you don't."
I took this with some dignity and retorted, "I know I don't like her, but how dare she NOT LIKE ME??? I am worthy of love and friendship too! I want to be a "cool kid" just like all these other people she hangs out with constantly."
My beloved laughed. He honestly laughed! He said, "Honey, you aren't a "cool kid" because you don't care to be. It's not important to you. The only time you ever worry about having friends and hanging out with people is when you read her posts about all her friends. Otherwise, you don't care. You are an introvert. You don't need people to make you happy. You are happiest when you are with us (hubby and child) or reading a book, preferably both, but that doesn't happen often. If you honestly needed that many friends around you all the time, you would make an effort to do it, but you don't, because you don't really care!"
Shocking isn't it? I started to come up with some snappy retort, but he is right. I don't care. The only time I am jealous of all her friends and relationships is when she is bragging about it on FB. So why do I allow it to hurt my feelings? Neurotic.
I let it go for awhile, until today, when I started stewing again. I have noticed a pattern. This person effusively praises others, is constantly doling out love and encouragement, but is also constantly begging for it. She will post every minor bump in her road as if it is a TRAGEDY! Then she basks in all her friends replies of how much they love her/pray for her/enjoy her company etc. It's like a soap opera. She doles it to them, they give it back. Humph. Perhaps if I doled it out, it would come back to me.
Except, I don't, because it would take to much effort to keep up with all the everyday tragedies I read about on FB. I'm not talking about real tragedies, death, serious illness, loss of job, etc. I'm talking about the everyday, ordinary crap that EVERYONE on earth deals with. I mean, who needs to know that I have a headache, or junior has a cold, or my faucet is dripping? It's called life, we all deal with it. I don't feel the need to broadcast it or ask for prayers over it. Perhaps I should, but I figure, we are all wading knee deep in crap, do we really need to keep each other posted? Isn't it enough that I will pour out my heart before God for you in times of REAL need? If your child is seriously sick, I will walk with you and fervently pray for healing. If someone you love is dying, I will cry real tears and beg for His mercies on you and your loved one. If you lose your job, I will lift you up continually until the perfect job comes to fruition. But if your faucet leaks, call a plumber!
My husband says I should just de-friend her. That seems harsh. Besides, it would hurt her feelings. Actually, "she" is a composite of several aquaintances past and present. Most of the time, when I see their names, I don't even read their posts. I just skip them and go on to others to others of more interest to me.
So here is what is on my mind today:
Empty words. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I thoroughly enjoy updates from dear friends, purusing pictures of friends, and reading interesting articles/thoughts from friends that I admire. However, I hate the mindless drivel that pours forth from some aquaintances of mine.
One person in particular got under my skin today. She is effussive with her praise of others. She is continually telling people how much she loves them/prays for them/enjoys their company. etc. She apparently is friends with most of the world, and hangs out with them all often. BLAH!
Except me of course. I am somehow devoid of praise/love/company worth enjoying. Honestly, it hurts my feelings. What kind of person ignores my obviously delightful spirit and doesn't appreciate my wit? Why am I so obviously unloveable by someone who apparently adores everyone within her sphere - except me? I used to really let this stuff give me a complex. I would sit and stew and think of ways to show this person how AWESOME I am and how worthy of her attention. Except, I never follow through. Because, honestly, it would take too much effort. But that doesn't stop it from hurting my feelings, because I am neurotic like that.
My enlightenment came through my husband (as it often does). He caught me in a "Woe is me" state of mind after reading her multiple FB posts of praise. He asked what was wrong with me and I explained that I am obviously faulty in some respect because I do not have the love and admiration of this ONE person. He looked at me thoughtfully for a second and said, "But honey, you don't LIKE her. You don't hang out with her because she annoys you. It would be different if you really admired her, but you don't."
I took this with some dignity and retorted, "I know I don't like her, but how dare she NOT LIKE ME??? I am worthy of love and friendship too! I want to be a "cool kid" just like all these other people she hangs out with constantly."
My beloved laughed. He honestly laughed! He said, "Honey, you aren't a "cool kid" because you don't care to be. It's not important to you. The only time you ever worry about having friends and hanging out with people is when you read her posts about all her friends. Otherwise, you don't care. You are an introvert. You don't need people to make you happy. You are happiest when you are with us (hubby and child) or reading a book, preferably both, but that doesn't happen often. If you honestly needed that many friends around you all the time, you would make an effort to do it, but you don't, because you don't really care!"
Shocking isn't it? I started to come up with some snappy retort, but he is right. I don't care. The only time I am jealous of all her friends and relationships is when she is bragging about it on FB. So why do I allow it to hurt my feelings? Neurotic.
I let it go for awhile, until today, when I started stewing again. I have noticed a pattern. This person effusively praises others, is constantly doling out love and encouragement, but is also constantly begging for it. She will post every minor bump in her road as if it is a TRAGEDY! Then she basks in all her friends replies of how much they love her/pray for her/enjoy her company etc. It's like a soap opera. She doles it to them, they give it back. Humph. Perhaps if I doled it out, it would come back to me.
Except, I don't, because it would take to much effort to keep up with all the everyday tragedies I read about on FB. I'm not talking about real tragedies, death, serious illness, loss of job, etc. I'm talking about the everyday, ordinary crap that EVERYONE on earth deals with. I mean, who needs to know that I have a headache, or junior has a cold, or my faucet is dripping? It's called life, we all deal with it. I don't feel the need to broadcast it or ask for prayers over it. Perhaps I should, but I figure, we are all wading knee deep in crap, do we really need to keep each other posted? Isn't it enough that I will pour out my heart before God for you in times of REAL need? If your child is seriously sick, I will walk with you and fervently pray for healing. If someone you love is dying, I will cry real tears and beg for His mercies on you and your loved one. If you lose your job, I will lift you up continually until the perfect job comes to fruition. But if your faucet leaks, call a plumber!
My husband says I should just de-friend her. That seems harsh. Besides, it would hurt her feelings. Actually, "she" is a composite of several aquaintances past and present. Most of the time, when I see their names, I don't even read their posts. I just skip them and go on to others to others of more interest to me.
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