I despise Christmas. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.
So, every year, I try to hold on and just grit my teeth to get through the holidays. I smile and act like I'm enjoying myself as much as everyone else, but inside, I'm just holding on for January. I don't want to be the lone "freak" in this nation that honestly doesn't enjoy the celebration of Jesus' birth (as if anything we do today for Christmas recognizes Christ). The Christmas decorations come down in our house the day after Christmas because I can't stand it one second longer.
After everything I've been through in the last couple of years, one thing I am learning to do is express myself to those around me. Not the fake, "what you expect to hear" side of me, but the real, quiet thoughts I usually hold inside to myself.
So, I mentioned to my mom, "You know, I don't actually enjoy Christmas. I don't know why." - I said it in a tiny voice with a little sigh to show that I wasn't actually going to burn in hell forever for not spreading holiday cheer. For some reason, being honest in print is MUCH easier than face to face. In print, I can express those quiet thoughts without actually hearing them. Honesty is a process; I have to take baby steps. :)
My mom, in her wisdom, said, "I know why. It's expensive. You have to buy things you can't really afford for people you don't really like or even see that often. Plus, we are running around trying to do more than we have time for. It's a very stressful time."
BAM! That's it!!!! I hate all the hustle, bustle, and fake goodwill toward man. It's as if for 11 months out of the year it's each man for himself, then suddenly, for one short month, we try to make up for it by throwing change at charities while congratulating ourselves for really caring about our common man. It doesn't matter that we don't think of them again for another 11 months. That pocketful of change expresses our deeply held belief in the common good. Bah- HUMBUG!
I don't like buying things for other people, with money I haven't actually budgeted (Dave Ramsey is so ashamed). I don't like being forced to gather with people I don't usually see and say how good it is to see them (then present them with a gift from the list I was given). BAH -HUMBUG!
Not to say that I am completely innocent. I like getting presents; sort of. I buy into looking for things I WANT for Christmas (so that I can present my list to others). Naturally, after LOOKING for stuff, I find stuff that I just NEED to survive. Unfortunately, I have to then wait a month or so to get these things, and I don't usually get all of them, or even the ones I want the most; so inevitably, I'm a little disappointed (because I am now a spoiled brat myself). Then, naturally, I beat myself for a few weeks over my ingratititude for all that everyone else has done for me.
I also go WAY overboard for my child. How overboard you ask? Well, for the last TWO Christmases in a row, when I lock myself in the closet to wrap in secret (don't even get me started on Santa and all the magical things I'm supposed to be doing to build this up for my child. I'm a miserable failure at the whole process), I found that I was embarrassed by the sheer VOLUME of stuff that I purchased for her. So, I selected a few items that I thought were "essential" and wrap those, and pushed the rest into a large box in the back of my closet. That box provided toys for Valentine's Day, Easter, and her birthday, with special "just because" gifts in between FOR THE WHOLE YEAR! Such is my mania.
The whole process is just painful. PAINFUL.
So, this year I vow to make it different. This year, I'm actually focusing on THE REASON for THE SEASON. This year, all my gifts will be hand-made (except a few for my child, because she is young, and I don't want to scar her for life). I am making a few gifts for her as well. I try to do that every year, but this year, I'm going out of my comfort zone to build stuff. With wood. I'm super excited.
This year, my daughter and I are focusing on actually DOING something for others, not just this month, but all year long. I've got a list. We are rocking through it. No more just being good for a month. We are taking this goodwill stuff through the year. We are going to try anyway.
Jesus asked us to be His hands and feet, not just for His birthday, but all the time. We are going to try it for REALS.
This month, we are going to do "little" happies for lots of different places. That will help us narrow our focus for the year.
First up: New Leash on Life. That's our local animal shelter. We stopped by there last week to drop off our recycling (they earn money for all my old newspapers), and we dropped in to ask what they need. The staff said they always need bleach, detergent, and wet food for the pets. They actually provide pet food for people that can't afford to buy it for their pets. How awesome is that? We got this. Makenzie is making detergent today. We will buy bleach and canned food tomorrow and drop it all off with a plate of cookies for the staff.
I'm excited! For the first time, I feel like I might just enjoy a holiday season!
PRAISE HIM from whom all blessings flow!!
